Infatuation and Love

It can sometimes be difficult to tell the difference between infatuation and love. This is especially true at the beginning of a relationship. I'm no relationship expert though. It is easy to think that you have found true love as the intensity of infatuation takes over your life. Love, however, rarely comes on suddenly. It is a slow, gradual process that can only happen after the rush of infatuation starts to ebb.

Infatuation describes the intense range of feelings present at the beginning of most relationships; sweaty palms, rapidly beating heart, butterflies in the stomach. The world is a better, more beautiful place because object of your affection is with you. Every time you touch is thrilling, you remember every conversation, and your thoughts revolve around them. In more common terms, this is a crush. Crushes are a very real, normal part of human life. Everyone experiences at least one crush at some point or another in their lives.

Infatuation is caused by a chemical reaction in the body. The hormones released accounts for some of the feelings of elation. In truth, you are "high" on *oxytocin*. This is an important evolutionary response to meeting a potential future mate. These hormones assure that two people will spend enough time together to possibly produce children, thus ensuring the survival of the species. Oxytocin also stimulates contractions during labour/labor, and then the production of milk.

Love, on the other hand, is a calmer, more mature feeling. It is a sense of stability. Love is still exciting, at times. It can change day-to-day. Love takes work. The feelings are not supported by the highs of hormones, but by a shared love and respect for each other. Love is what exists after infatuation fades, if you are lucky.

Infatuation and love are different in many ways. While both result in pleasant feelings, the feeling of infatuation is more intense than the feeling of love. Love may not be as intense, but it is usually a much deeper emotion. Relationships that start as infatuation can mature into love.

One of the biggest differences between infatuation and love is how long each can last for. Infatuation can last, at most, several months before it starts to fade. Love, on the other hand, is capable of lasting fifty years or more, if both people in the relationship work for it. Infatuation is almost effortless. Anything put into the relationship is because you want to. Everything you do for the other person brings great pleasure for you, too. This isn’t always the case in love. You do things that you don’t want to do, things that you will get no pleasure from, because it is the fair thing to do. Love is about compromise.

Infatuation and love are both different in the amount of unpleasant tension that is part of the relationship some days. Infatuation discourages any real disagreements from taking place. You both are on your best behavior during all the time you spend together. Anything that could cause a discrepancy to the idea of a perfect relationship is avoided. Everything is perfect, and no one wants to mess that up.

Love allows people to be who they really are. While arguments aren’t encouraged, they happen. Sometimes they happen a lot, especially in times of stress. Love is admitting that your partner has faults, and so do you, but that is okay. You have realistic expectations of each other. Love is accepting.

Infatuation and love are two separate emotions, and there are many differences between them. They are, however, similar in some ways. Infatuation is like a shiny new pair of dress shoes, where as love is the comfy old sneakers you’ve had for years. Infatuation is fun, while it lasts. Eventually, though, the night out ends, and you slip into the sneakers that fit perfectly, even if they are starting to give at the seams and the tread is worn out. This is what happens in relationships. As the brilliance of infatuation fades, couples move into a contented place where, even if there are problems, they know they can depend on one another to provide the love and support they need. That is the difference between infatuation and love.

Emotional Intelligence

The distinction between intelligence and knowledge in the area of cognition (ie IQ) is very clear, where generally, psychological research demonstrates that IQ is a reliable measure of cognitive capacity, and is stable over time. In the area of emotion (i.e. EQ) that distinction between intelligence and knowledge is murky. Current definitions of EQ are inconsistent about what it measures: some (such as bradberry and Greaves 2005) say that EQ is dynamic, it can be learned or increased; whereas others (such as Mayers) say that EQ is stable, and cannot be increased. Mayer's (2005) is consistent with cognition-based definitions of intelligence and knowledge, stating that " emotional intelligence is unlikely to be any more easily raised than general intelligence", but "emotional knowledge can be increased. . . fairly easily." Under Mayer's definition, emotional knowledge would be the level of perception and assessment that an individual has of their emotions at any given moment in time.

Emotional intelligence, or EI is the ability to understand your own emotions and those of people around you. EI is often measured as an Emotional Intelligence Quotient or EQ, describes an ability, capacity, or skill to perceive, assess, and manage the emotions of one's self, of others, and of groups.

The term "emotional intelligence" appears to have originated with Wayne Payne (1985), but was popularized by Daniel Goleman (1995). The leading research on the concept originated with Peter Salovey and John "Jack" Mayer starting in the late 1980s. In 1990, their seminal paper defined the concept as an intelligence. Mayer and Salovey continue to research the concept. The term "emotional quotient" seems to have originated in an article by Keith Beasley (1987). There are numerous other assessments of emotional intelligence each advocating different models and measures.

The concept of emotional intelligence, developed by Daniel Goleman, means you have a self-awareness that enables you to recognise feelings and helps you manage your emotions.

On a personal level, it involves motivation and being able to focus on a goal rather than demanding instant gratification. A person with a high emotional intelligence is also capable of understanding the feelings of others. Culturally, they are better at handling relationships of every kind.

Just because someone is deemed 'intellectually' intelligent, it does not necessarily follow they are emotionally intelligent. Having a good memory, or good problem solving abilities, does not mean you are capable of dealing with emotions or motivating yourself.

Highly intelligent people may lack the social skills that are associated with high emotional intelligence. Savants, who show incredible intellectual abilities in narrow fields, are an extreme example of this: a mathematical genius may be unable to relate to people socially. However, high intellectual intelligence, combined with low emotional intelligence, is relatively rare and a person can be both intellectually and emotionally intelligent.

Does socialising make you clever?
Both emotional and intellectual problems are more easily resolved when in a good mood, which to some extent depends on emotional intelligence. Self-motivated students tend to do better in school exams.

The ability to interact well with others and having a good group of friends, means students are more likely to remain in education, whereas those with emotional difficulties tend to drop out.

On the negative side, low emotional intelligence can affect intellectual capabilities. Depression interferes with memory and concentration. Psychological tests show feelings of rejection can dramatically reduce IQ by about 25%. Rejection increased feelings of aggressiveness and reduced self-control.

It is this quality of self-control, rather than being impulsive, which is regarded as necessary to perform well in IQ tests. So a low emotional intelligence may limit intellectual performance.

Stop fixing people

Helping people can actually serve to stunt their development. Not only do you take away their ability to think for themselves, when your goal is to help people do things "the correct way," you are functioning from a position of greater power. 

You are stronger than the person you are helping who has lesser capability, knowledge and strength. Others sense this unequal relationship. If they came to you as unequal--that you are the one with the knowledge in this situation--they may eagerly listen and do what you suggest. This relationship can work when people are starting new ventures and clearly lack skills, experience and knowledge. They want your help. 

On the other hand, if the people you are trying to help do not see you as the great one with all the knowledge, they won't hear you. Their resentment speaks louder than your words. They may even retaliate by doing something stupid or nothing at all. Then you judge them even more harshly. 

In contrast to helping, being of service is a relationship between equals. It is mutual. Serving is responding to a problem and collaborating with others to find the solution. You honour the perspective and knowledge of the people you are serving and then seek to open their eyes to new possibilities and ideas. You give information they are lacking and ask questions to make them think more fully about the situation. You explore possible consequences of their ideas. When they come up with plans for action, you ask them what particular support they need from you to be successful.

My question is "Do you serve or fix people?"

The Dearth To Reading Culture in Nigeria

"If you want to hide something from a black man, place it inside a book”, so goes the saying 

In functional societies, reading should be done in order to increase knowledge and awareness. It seems that our society is yet to achieve that level of functionality, or we simply do not care. Why has it been this difficult for the youths to cultivate the reading habit? What is it that seems to scare them from books? Have we considered the potential long-term effects of our poor reading culture on our society and the overall literacy level?

The complacent attitude towards books seems to form at very early ages – children in nursery and primary schools are hardly encouraged in schools and at home to pick up a book and read. Even in our secondary schools, students are being spoon-fed and not allowed to read and find information for themselves. There are books that have summaries of literary works, including the subject matters and themes as well as literary works. The import of this is that these students do not think it necessary to read the actual books and find out information for themselves. The invariable consequence is that our school system and society is producing people that are functionally literate, but effectively ignorant.

Since the advent of electronic revolution in all aspects of life, the reading and learning culture in Nigeria gradually declined thereby affecting the quality of graduates churned out from schools across the country.

Having established that the reading culture in Nigeria is very poor, and frankly, largely absent in large parts of the country, the question comes up: What can be done to improve this situation? What can individuals, parents, teachers and the wider community do to improve Nigeria’s reading culture?  Perhaps, it may be time to move away from the traditional and explore the unconventional. It may be time to ask: What exactly are we doing to improve the reading culture in Nigeria?

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Rebranding the many "evils" people do for money...

In my previous post about the rampant avarice in Nigeria, I spoke a little about "Yahoo boys". If you're yet to read, please do read and post your comments. 

So, I came across an advert in one of  the popular monthly magazine today, and this will make me want to revisit this same issue.

Please take your to read this advert well.

Notice the "...heavy money on Yahuu"?

Now, that's where I'm going...

Checks have revealed that a number of those erroneously referred to as “Yahoo Boys” (Internet fraudsters) have delved into money rituals as the internet business has not been forthcoming as before. Instead of calling it money ritual, they have code named it “Yahoo Plus”. In their own case, perpetrators of Yahoo Plus have taken their game to a higher level by adding jazz to it. At times, unsuspecting girlfriends end up as victims. Most people in Yahoo Plus opted for money rituals after the used of jazz failed to bring the desired results from the “Yahoo Yahoo” trade.

Unfortunately however, money rituals fail at times. Victims have been rejected by medicine men while some have been taken to shrines before they were found unsuitable for particular rituals and might have to be returned. One of the commonest consequences of a failed money ritual is that instead of getting rich, the person might either run mad or even die. These often serve as checks to prevent aggrieved prosperity seekers from spilling the beans and also to ensure that the esoteric secrets behind the rituals remain unknown.

The advert also spelt out "spend money and back to your pocket" (in Yoruba, its called Anobo), "commanding tone medicine without refusal" (Mayehun in Yoruba)...

The fact that this advert got published in the first place is quite disturbing. My question is, are we seriously in support of this "yahoo" thing? 

Will we ever have a sane society devoid of crime or inordinate desire for wealth?

Nigeria’s crime surge

Conceptually, crime can be seen as an infraction of both the basic principles of law and order and the norms of civilised behaviour. No society is immune from this knotty social problem but what differs is the frequency and magnitude of the situation and the response mechanisms to address it.

As part of the human community, Nigeria is currently caught in the web of crime dilemma, manifesting in the convulsive upsurge of both violent and non-violent crimes.

But the most alarming and terrifying is the present escalation of violent crimes and the barbarity, lethality and trauma the perpetrators unleash on the hapless citizenry across the length and breadth of the country. Notable in this regard are the rising incidents of armed robbery, assassination and kidnapping, which are now ravaging the polity and spreading a climate of fears and anxieties about public safety.

So far, the prevalent sky high level of violent crimes in Nigeria has cast asterisk on the political will of some of those in the corridors of power in the country to protect the citizens through the instrumentality of the law enforcement agencies, especially the Nigerian Police Force, which is constitutionally charged with maintaining law and order.

What are the underlying causative factors behind the exponential increase in violent crimes in our present-day society, especially the ugly trends of dare-devil armed robbery , kidnapping and assassination that have put the country in a quandary and instigated the pervasive sense of agoraphobia and “homephobia” among many Nigerians?

And what are the realistic means of containing these worrisome developments, which have come with pernicious effects of threat to the life and property of the citizenry, forced divestment of resources by the government from more productive sectors to the maintenance of internal law and order and discouragement of foreign direct investments?

In fact, responding to these nagging questions would require a viva voce of the crime causative factors in Nigeria. Evidently, the bulk of the causative factors undergirding crime, violence and other deviant acts in the country are structural in nature but, somewhat, are reinforced by the obvious failure of institutional response mechanisms.

Starting with the structural crime causative factors, these include:

·Rampant corruption. This cankerworm has not only dwarfed the prospects of remarkable economic growth and development in the country but has also precipitated abject poverty, deprivation, privation, suffering and despondency among the masses that now fuel crime and violence.

·Deplorable state of the economy. This is attributable to corruption, mismanagement, poor planning, failed structural reform programmes, epileptic power supply and the attendant debilitating economic costs, lull in the manufacturing sector in a petroleum crude driven mono-economy and changes in the international political economy that have tremendously undermined the circumstances for the promotion of a national welfare state.

All these crises of development  have, no doubt, resulted in lack of much economic ventilation and the associated social suffocation that have provoked a ferment among many penurious and disenchanted sections of the population who can no longer cope with the miserable situations and, alas, resort to crime as a “saving grace”.

·Aggravation of the widening gap between “the haves” (the rich) and “the have nots” (the poor). This untoward development, which is clearly seen in the near decimation of the social stabilising middle class, is not only getting out of hand and creating a social rift of “them” and “us” but is also spelling trouble everywhere through crime and criminality, including armed robbery which now threatens the safety of the affluent class in society.

·Mass poverty. By and large, the abject want, squalor and misery among the vast majority in the country in the midst of plenty have exacerbated the crime rate.

Factors stoking the ember of poverty in the land include corruption, economic crisis, lack of well-articulated social security programmes to cushion the adverse effects of painful economic reforms, worsening income gap between the rich and the poor, high unemployment, rural-urban development imbalance and emerging international economic order.

Unarguably, poverty is the harbinger of most crimes. A recent estimate put the number of Nigerians living below the poverty line at 70 per cent. Regarding unemployment, which has created available market for crime, recent statistics from the National Directorate of Employment (NDE) indicate that 12 million Nigerians are unemployed, this is not to mention those who are underemployed.

·Gradual erosion of community spirit. Regrettably, this has witnessed the eclipse of the lofty values that keep the society on its toes like communalism, altruism, benevolence, empathy, compassion, philanthropy and solidarity and their replacement with the retrograde spirit of narcissistic individualism and hubris and the precipitate selfishness, greed, avarice, apathy and misanthropy that are stealthily  turning Nigeria into a “me-first society”.

The fallout is a dog-eat-dog society  where the survival of the fittest is causing a widening gap between the rich and the poor, loot-and–plunder syndrome, blatant neglect, crime and criminality and rise of angst and alienation induced suicides, as blamed on low “mechanical solidarity” in the society today.