Most all of
you have had to contend with control freaks. These are those people who
insist on having their way in all interactions with you. They wish to
set the agenda and decide what it is you will do and when you will do
it. You know who they are – they have a driving need to run the show and
call the shots. Lurking within the fabric of the conversation is the
clear threat that if you do not accede to their needs and demands, they
will be unhappy.
Certainly, it’s natural to want to be in control of your life. But when
you have to be in control of the people around you as well, when you
literally can’t rest until you get your way … you have a personality
disorder. While it’s not a diagnostic category found in the DSM IV (the
therapist’s bible for diagnostic purposes) an exaggerated emphasis on
control is part of a cluster of behaviors that can be labeled as
compulsive generally characterized by perfectionism, orderliness,
workaholic tendencies, an inability to make commitments or to trust
others and a fear of having their flaws exposed. Deep down, these people
are terrified of being vulnerable. They believe they can protect
themselves by staying in control of every aspect of their lives,
including their relationships. Control freaks take the need and urge to
control to new heights, causing others stress so they can maintain a
sense of order. These people are riddled with anxiety, fear, insecurity,
and anger. They’re very critical of themselves their lover and their
friends, but underneath that perfect outfit and great body is a mountain
of unhappiness. Let’s look at what makes control freaks tick, what
makes you want to explode, and some ways to deal with them.
The Psychological Dynamics That Fuel a Control Freak
The need to control is almost always fueled by anxiety – though control
freaks seldom recognize their fears. At work, they may worry about
failure. In relationships, they may worry about not having their needs
met. To keep this anxiety from overwhelming them, they try to control
the people or things around them. They have a hard time with negotiation
and compromise and they can’t stand imperfection. Needless to say, they
are difficult to live with, work with and/or socialize with.
Bottom Line: In the process of being controlling, their actions say,
“You’re incompetent” and “I can’t trust you.” (this is why you hate
them). Remember, the essential need of a control freak is to defend
against anxiety. Although it may not be apparent to you when they are
making their demands, these individuals are attempting to cope with
fairly substantial levels of their own anxiety. The control freak is
usually fighting off a deep-seated sense of their own helplessness and
impotence. By becoming proficient at trying to control other people,
they are warding off their own fear of being out of control and
helpless. Controlling is an anxiety management tool.
Unfortunately for you, the control freak has a lot at stake in
prevailing. While trying to hold a conversation and engage them in some
way, their emotional stakes involve their own identity and sense of
well-being. Being in control gives them the temporary illusion and sense
of calmness. When they feel they are prevailing, you can just about
sense the tension oozing out of them. The control freak is very
frightened. Part of their strategy is to induce that fear in you with
the subtle or not so subtle threat of loss. Since the emotional stakes
are so high for them, they need to assert themselves with you to not
feel so helpless. To relinquish control is tantamount to being
victimized and overwhelmed. When a control freak cannot control, they go
through a series of rapid phases. First they become angry and agitated,
then they become panicky and apprehensive, then they become agitated
and threatening, and then they lapse into depression and despair.
Repetition Compulsion
Control freaks are also caught in
the grip of a repetition compulsion. They repeat the same pattern again
and again in their attempt to master their anxiety and cope with the
trauma they feel. Characteristically, the repetition compulsion takes on
a life of its own. Rather than feel calmer and therefore have a
diminished need to be controlling, their behavior locks them into the
same pattern in an insatiable way. Successes at controlling do not
register on their internal scoreboard. They have to fight off the same
threat again and again with increasing rigidity and intransigence.
Two Types of Control Freaks
Type 1 Control Freaks: The Type 1
control freak is strictly attempting to cope with their anxiety in a
self absorbed way. They just want to feel better and are not even very
aware of you. You will notice and hear their agitation and
tentativeness. They usually do not make much eye contact when they are
talking to you.
Type 2 Control Freaks: The Type 2
control freak is also trying to manage their anxiety but they are very
aware of you as opposed to the Type 1 control freak. The Type 2 needs to
diminish you to feel better. Their mood rises as they push you down.
They do not just want to prevail; they also need to believe that they
have defeated you. They need you to feel helpless so they will not feel
helpless. Their belief is that someone must feel helpless in any
interchange and they desperately do not want it to be them. The Type 1
needs control. The Type 2 needs to control you.
Some Coping Strategies
1) Stay as calm as you can. Control
freaks tend to generate a lot of tension in those around them. Try to
maintain a comfortable distance so that you can remain centered while
you speak with them. Try to focus on your breathing. As they get more
agitated and demanding, just breath slowly and deeply. If you stay calm
and focused, this often has the effect of relaxing them as well. If you
get agitated you have joined the battle on their terms.
2) Speak very slowly. Again the
normal tendency is to gear up and speak rapidly when dealing with a
control freak. This will only draw you into the emotional turmoil and
you will quickly be personalizing what is occurring.
3) Be very patient. Control freaks
need to feel heard. In fact, they do not have that much to say. They
have a lot to say if you engage them in a power struggle. If you just
listen carefully and ask good questions that indicate that you have
heard them, then they will quickly resolve whatever the issue is and
calmly move on.
4) Pay attention to your induced
reactions. What is this person trying to emotionally induce in you?
Notice how you feel when speaking with them. It will give you important
clues as to how to deal with them more effectively and appropriately.
5) Initially, let them control the
agenda. But you control the pacing. If you stay calm and speak slowly,
you will be in command of the pacing of the conversation.
6) Treat them with kindness. Within
most control freaks is a good measure of paranoia. They are ready to
get angry and defend against what they perceive is a controlling hostile
world. If you treat them with respect and kindness, their paranoia
cannot take root. You will jam them up.
7) Make demands on them--
especially when dealing with the type 2 control freak. Ask them to send
you something or do something for you. By asking something of them, you
will be indicating that you are not intimidated or diminished by their
behavior patterns.
8) Remember an old but poignant
Maxim: “Those who demand the most often give the least.”
Keep in mind that control freaks
are not trying to hurt you – they’re trying to protect themselves.
Remind yourself that their behavior toward you isn’t personal; the
compulsion was there before they met you, and it will be their forever
unless they get help. Understand that they are skilled manipulators,
artful and intimidating, rehearsed debaters and excellent at distorting
reality.
In order to not feel degraded,
humiliated and have your sense of self and self worth assaulted, you
need to avoid being bulldozed by a controlling lover, boss or friend.
When you are caught up in a truly destructive/controlling attachment,
the best response may be to walk out. You have to understand that
whatever you do will have a limited effect. These people are angry and
afraid to let go of you.
Hence, it is your job to let go of them,
protect yourself in the process… and grow.
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