I had an interesting conversation recently with a friend of mine. She categorically stated that she had no intentions of getting married.
After probing and prodding for about thirty minutes, I figured out that her problem was that she had lost all faith whatsoever in marriage as an institution because of the increasing rate of failed marriages. She pointed out instance after instance of marriages that seemed ‘perfect’ at the beginning but inadvertently ended up crumbling, with one or both parties bitter and cynical.
I really do share her point of view and even though I do plan on getting married eventually, I can’t say that I exactly blame her. The divorce statistics in Nigeria are getting bleaker and bleaker by the minute and the unofficial number of failed marriages is probably even worse. Why is this so? There used to be a time in Nigeria when divorce was a foreign word. What happened? When/where/how did the change occur? Was it so subtle that we did not notice? Or did we just choose to ignore it?
Personally, I think one of the major reasons for this increase in the rate of divorces in Nigeria is a change in mindset. Africans generally and Nigerians especially, tend to be very traditional and religious and as divorce was a taboo by traditional and religious standards, many couples ‘suffered’ through their marriages to the death. But not anymore. With science, technology and all other western influences permeating these parts, adherence to such codes of conducts are now seen as being ‘backward’ and ‘unprogressive’.
And even though some churches still have a ‘no divorce’ policy, many have relaxed the rule. In fact, many pastors (indeed, some, as big as they come), have abandoned their marriages, and yet remained on the pulpit. Some of them even remarry. The bottom line is this; hitherto, divorce was not an option but now it is. People no longer ‘enter’ marriages with the ‘till death do us part’ mindset but more with a ‘let’s see how it goes’ mindset. And so, at the slightest provocation, one party is ready to opt out.
Another major cause of the increase in divorce instances in Nigeria will have to be spousal abuse, infidelity, finance and intrusion by third party as some of the reasons. Whilst in the same conversation with the aforementioned friend, I mentioned that abuse in marriages seems to be increasing rapidly these days. She said that even though it was possible, she believed that infact, abuse was on a decline because women were getting stronger. That she is proud of the women of our generation... No man can use us do yanga, she said.
According to her, the only reason it seems like abuse is increasing is because people have started speaking up more than before and that information travels faster and more rapidly through online channels and social media. Whether or not she is correct, the fact still remains that spousal abuse (whether physical, verbal or psychological) is probably one of the leading causes of divorce. I have heard of one too many stories of atrocities perpetrated on a spouse in the name of marriage.
Remedies? I’m certainly no marriage counsellor but perhaps we may need to go back to our roots on this one. The society through its basic institutions (religious organisations, schools AND the family) should teach the basic principles guiding the makings of a successful marriage. Also, domestic offences need to be taken seriously via legislation and subsequent police action.
Divorce is not without its social effect, especially on the woman and children. While the woman is seen as an irresponsible person who is unable to keep her home, the children lack parental care and therefore are prone to societal ills.
An animal should not be allowed to pummel a woman (or a man for that matter) into a hospital and be let off easily under the guise of ‘domestic matters’.
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