The calling trend in relationships...

There are side chicks and there are side chicks. There are those side chicks who know their positions. And there are those who are oblivious of their positions. The thing is this, no one sets out to be a side chick. I may be wrong though.

And then, there are main chicks. They are those girls who are so sure that they have the man. But if indeed they had the man, then there will be no need for the main chick label because they would simply be THE CHICK. His chick.

Finally, there are the guys. There are those ones who don’t set out to cheat but end up doing so anyway.  And there are those who set out to be playboys. Then, there are those who chase everything in skirts and those who are chased. Then again, there are the knights. The knights in shining armor and there are the good old retards in tin foil.

Thing is, every girl at one point in time hoped, wished or even prayed for her own knight. Who would sweep her off her feet and they will dance in the sunlight and live happily ever after.

However, in real life, happily ever afters are few and far in between. Sometimes, a girl has just got to make do. Sometimes, a girl may decide to filch another’s happily ever after. If any of these three groups of people play their roles effectively, every one of them may then have a shot at being happy or at least pretend to be happy.

As I said before, no one sets out be a side chick or a main chick. Being a main chick presupposes that you are being cheated on and being a side chick means that you are obviously not good enough to be number one. Forget all that BS he is telling you; “the time ain’t right … That she ain’t done anything wrong for him to leave her... That he loves you more than he loves her… That he doesn’t want to break her heart… That he is stuck...” and loads of other excuses that I’m sure you heard more about than I may ever hear or know.  Avant’s lie about us comes to mind, right about now… Truth is, if you actually meant something to him, you would not be his chick on the side, hidden from his world.

Actually, main chicks almost always know when there is a side chick. They know. Usually they just choose to ignore the signs and live in denial. After all, what girl wants to live with the idea that she is not good enough for her man? That, her man is looking elsewhere for his dessert, that she the main dish is just not enough. So, she just lets it slide, makes excuses for her man and just flat out denies the truth. But someone has to take the blame for this… It is just easier hating on the other girl… You know, the one who stole your man. After all, it is easier to believe someone is trying to stick her claws in your man and snatch him away than that your man is blatantly cheating, which may just be the case.  Human as we are, we tend to see things the way we want to see them and not for what they really are. Sometimes, your knight is really no knight.

The side chicks who know they are side chicks are usually not the problem. It is those who don’t know they are side chicks or those who don’t want to accept their status that are dangerous. They call up the main chicks and whole lot of other things. The way i see it, if you are going to be a side chick, you’ve got to act the part and not cross the main girl’s path. (But then again, I don’t know any girl who would be content with second place, I certainly won’t be). Don’t be a side chick catching main chick feelings. That just ain’t cool.

You may try to justify your actions but bottom line is, you can’t get on a moral high horse here. You may be in love with him too, she may not be doing enough to keep her man, but face it! You are keeping her man distracted. And if the tables were turned, you sure won’t like that now, would you? The fact that you love someone does not give you the license to go breaking up someone’s relationship, Sometimes, it is not wrong accepting that, you can’t have everything that you want.

Guys are indeed from mars. They are creatures I never pretend to understand. I know they share the same sentiments about girls… But that is a discussion for another day. Thing is, if you are not happy in your relationship, why don’t you try and fix it or just leave? Why go sneaking around? The fact that you are not sure about yourself does not mean you should go confusing everyone else around you. As weirdly as this may sound, that thing called karma is true (at least, I hope it is).

Sometimes, we are just in love with the idea of being in love, more than love itself, more than ourselves. And sometimes, that is just what spells our doom. At the end of the day it comes down to role play.  But whatever you do, don’t be a main chick catching side chick feelings (pathetic!) or a side chick catching main chick feelings (annoying!).

The monster called unemployment

The implication as the regard massive unemployment staring us in the face is a time bomb waiting to explode. 

Just where do we go from here? Why has the older generations put us in this mess? As I type this after seeing the pictures of job seekers (OND, BSC, Msc, PhD) applying for few positions in Nigeria Immigration Service, my eyes are filled with tears... So sad that as a young employer of labour, I am totally perplexed.

With national conference coming up, it is people who are already at the departure lounge of life (over 60 years and above) that form large chunk of representatives of disccusants that may likely shape the future of the younger generations; some of same people that put us where we are!

At this age and time, some backward people and organizations are conducting tests in stadia across the country when the world is advanced in technology. Tests that can be conducted online and then successful candidates can be called up for physical exercise. Over 500,000 applied for the job, how can we not expect to have hitch and rowdiness at the screening venue?

We don't understand the implications of the monster issue of unemployment crisis yet, if we do, we will not only be asking questions but putting in efforts and actions as well.

The blame of unemployment also stems from the quality of graduates that are produced. Many are unemployable and lack entrepreneurial skills.

Although, the key is still the government creating an enabling environment for business to thrive. But that responsibility does NOT lie with the Goverment alone.

However, it is not just about criticizing but proffering solutions... Fellow youth, where do we go from here?

Safe to say Nigerians are not bothered about corruption

I don't believe the average Nigerian cares about government corruption. Not in the sense that they don't feel it's not ruining the country, but rather in the sense that they know it's ruining the country but are only upset because they themselves can't partake.

If we want to fight corruption we have to wage a genuine social reformation that instills something we haven't had since the time of our ancestors; integrity.

The average nigerian is not only a liar, but feels that lying is a talent/skill and genuine mark of their intelligence. When people hear of acts of dishonesty, the victim is seldom a second thought. Instead that victimizer is usually praised for how well he was able to dupe his fellow person. We all know this is the general character of people in the country, and i'm willing to make the bold statement that the Nigerian government is more honest and accountable than the average nigerian person. 

The close the tier of government is to the people, the more corrupt. The more accessible, the more corrupt. The more ready the seat is it be occupied by a normal person, the greater the theft. 

The president is a thief, but he will see 100 naira and steal 40. The local government chairmen will see 10 naira and steal all 10. If you show him 100 he will steal 100. 

Before we blast our governors and president, ask yourself what your local government chairmen has done? More importantly what would the average Nigerian around you in your everyday life do if given power. Next ask yourself what you would do in such a position. I do believe there is good among us, but if you select a random person out of a group of 10 nigerians what are your odds of picking an honest one?

Rate of marriage dissolution in Nigeria

I had an interesting conversation recently with a friend of mine. She categorically stated that she had no intentions of getting married.

After probing and prodding for about thirty minutes, I figured out that her problem was that she had lost all faith whatsoever in marriage as an institution because of the increasing rate of failed marriages. She pointed out instance after instance of marriages that seemed ‘perfect’ at the beginning but inadvertently ended up crumbling, with one or both parties bitter and cynical.

I really do share her point of view and even though I do plan on getting married eventually, I can’t say that I exactly blame her. The divorce statistics in Nigeria are getting bleaker and bleaker by the minute and the unofficial number of failed marriages is probably even worse. Why is this so? There used to be a time in Nigeria when divorce was a foreign word. What happened? When/where/how did the change occur? Was it so subtle that we did not notice? Or did we just choose to ignore it?

Personally, I think one of the major reasons for this increase in the rate of divorces in Nigeria is a change in mindset. Africans generally and Nigerians especially, tend to be very traditional and religious and as divorce was a taboo by traditional and religious standards, many couples ‘suffered’ through their marriages to the death. But not anymore. With science, technology and all other western influences permeating these parts, adherence to such codes of conducts are now seen as being ‘backward’ and ‘unprogressive’.

And even though some churches still have a ‘no divorce’ policy, many have relaxed the rule. In fact, many pastors (indeed, some, as big as they come), have abandoned their marriages, and yet remained on the pulpit. Some of them even remarry. The bottom line is this; hitherto, divorce was not an option but now it is. People no longer ‘enter’ marriages with the ‘till death do us part’ mindset but more with a ‘let’s see how it goes’ mindset. And so, at the slightest provocation, one party is ready to opt out.

Another major cause of the increase in divorce instances in Nigeria will have to be spousal abuse, infidelity, finance and intrusion by third party as some of the reasons. Whilst in the same conversation with the aforementioned friend, I mentioned that abuse in marriages seems to be increasing rapidly these days. She said that even though it was possible, she believed that infact, abuse was on a decline because women were getting stronger. That she is proud of the women of our generation... No man can use us do yanga, she said.

According to her, the only reason it seems like abuse is increasing is because people have started speaking up more than before and that information travels faster and more rapidly through online channels and social media. Whether or not she is correct, the fact still remains that spousal abuse (whether physical, verbal or psychological) is probably one of the leading causes of divorce. I have heard of one too many stories of atrocities perpetrated on a spouse in the name of marriage.

Remedies? I’m certainly no marriage counsellor but perhaps we may need to go back to our roots on this one. The society through its basic institutions (religious organisations, schools AND the family) should teach the basic principles guiding the makings of a successful marriage. Also, domestic offences need to be taken seriously via legislation and subsequent police action.

Divorce is not without its social effect, especially on the woman and children. While the woman is seen as an irresponsible person who is unable to keep her home, the children lack parental care and therefore are prone to societal ills.

An animal should not be allowed to pummel a woman (or a man for that matter) into a hospital and be let off easily under the guise of ‘domestic matters’.

FWB???

Urbandictionary.com defines "friends with benefits" as “two friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved.”

But, scientifically, that’s impossible. Let me explain why.

The deep limbic system of your brain is your emotional center. It, not the heart, is where emotion is stored. This part of the brain also stores sexual memory. It gets tuned in to a splash of cologne, a great love song, and the physical act of sex. One of the neurochemicals released during sex is dopamine. Dopamine makes you feel good; it creates a simultaneous sense of peace and pleasure. Anytime your body experiences pleasure—whether good or bad—the limbic system gets wash with this chemical, which causes you to crave more of what you just had. In essence, it creates addiction. Dopamine attaches you emotionally to the source of pleasure, even if he or she is “just a friend”.

Friends with benefits? It’s a myth.

One of the most telling examples I have seen was a beautiful girl who told me how she had dated a guy for five years and they were big into purity. They would often share the testimony of their pure relationship. They broke up, and it was sad but they are still friends. Then, with tears streaming down her face, she told me of a six-month fling with a guy that became sexual. It wasn’t much more than a friendship that got out of control physically. But she couldn’t get over him. I was able to talk with her and help her heal using two steps.

What did I tell her? What do you do if your heart has been broken by a “friends with benefits” hook up or any other sexual relationship for that matter?

First, you need to tell someone.

Second, you need to ask that older, wiser person to pray with you to break off what I call “soul ties.”

I rest my case...