Lets talk about the Control Freaks

Most all of you have had to contend with control freaks. These are those people who insist on having their way in all interactions with you. They wish to set the agenda and decide what it is you will do and when you will do it. You know who they are – they have a driving need to run the show and call the shots. Lurking within the fabric of the conversation is the clear threat that if you do not accede to their needs and demands, they will be unhappy.

Certainly, it’s natural to want to be in control of your life. But when you have to be in control of the people around you as well, when you literally can’t rest until you get your way … you have a personality disorder. While it’s not a diagnostic category found in the DSM IV (the therapist’s bible for diagnostic purposes) an exaggerated emphasis on control is part of a cluster of behaviors that can be labeled as compulsive generally characterized by perfectionism, orderliness, workaholic tendencies, an inability to make commitments or to trust others and a fear of having their flaws exposed. Deep down, these people are terrified of being vulnerable. They believe they can protect themselves by staying in control of every aspect of their lives, including their relationships. Control freaks take the need and urge to control to new heights, causing others stress so they can maintain a sense of order. These people are riddled with anxiety, fear, insecurity, and anger. They’re very critical of themselves their lover and their friends, but underneath that perfect outfit and great body is a mountain of unhappiness. Let’s look at what makes control freaks tick, what makes you want to explode, and some ways to deal with them.

The Psychological Dynamics That Fuel a Control Freak

The need to control is almost always fueled by anxiety – though control freaks seldom recognize their fears. At work, they may worry about failure. In relationships, they may worry about not having their needs met. To keep this anxiety from overwhelming them, they try to control the people or things around them. They have a hard time with negotiation and compromise and they can’t stand imperfection. Needless to say, they are difficult to live with, work with and/or socialize with.

Bottom Line: In the process of being controlling, their actions say, “You’re incompetent” and “I can’t trust you.” (this is why you hate them). Remember, the essential need of a control freak is to defend against anxiety. Although it may not be apparent to you when they are making their demands, these individuals are attempting to cope with fairly substantial levels of their own anxiety. The control freak is usually fighting off a deep-seated sense of their own helplessness and impotence. By becoming proficient at trying to control other people, they are warding off their own fear of being out of control and helpless. Controlling is an anxiety management tool.

Unfortunately for you, the control freak has a lot at stake in prevailing. While trying to hold a conversation and engage them in some way, their emotional stakes involve their own identity and sense of well-being. Being in control gives them the temporary illusion and sense of calmness. When they feel they are prevailing, you can just about sense the tension oozing out of them. The control freak is very frightened. Part of their strategy is to induce that fear in you with the subtle or not so subtle threat of loss. Since the emotional stakes are so high for them, they need to assert themselves with you to not feel so helpless. To relinquish control is tantamount to being victimized and overwhelmed. When a control freak cannot control, they go through a series of rapid phases. First they become angry and agitated, then they become panicky and apprehensive, then they become agitated and threatening, and then they lapse into depression and despair.


Repetition Compulsion


Control freaks are also caught in the grip of a repetition compulsion. They repeat the same pattern again and again in their attempt to master their anxiety and cope with the trauma they feel. Characteristically, the repetition compulsion takes on a life of its own. Rather than feel calmer and therefore have a diminished need to be controlling, their behavior locks them into the same pattern in an insatiable way. Successes at controlling do not register on their internal scoreboard. They have to fight off the same threat again and again with increasing rigidity and intransigence.
Two Types of Control Freaks

Type 1 Control Freaks: The Type 1 control freak is strictly attempting to cope with their anxiety in a self absorbed way. They just want to feel better and are not even very aware of you. You will notice and hear their agitation and tentativeness. They usually do not make much eye contact when they are talking to you.

Type 2 Control Freaks: The Type 2 control freak is also trying to manage their anxiety but they are very aware of you as opposed to the Type 1 control freak. The Type 2 needs to diminish you to feel better. Their mood rises as they push you down. They do not just want to prevail; they also need to believe that they have defeated you. They need you to feel helpless so they will not feel helpless. Their belief is that someone must feel helpless in any interchange and they desperately do not want it to be them. The Type 1 needs control. The Type 2 needs to control you.
Some Coping Strategies

1) Stay as calm as you can. Control freaks tend to generate a lot of tension in those around them. Try to maintain a comfortable distance so that you can remain centered while you speak with them. Try to focus on your breathing. As they get more agitated and demanding, just breath slowly and deeply. If you stay calm and focused, this often has the effect of relaxing them as well. If you get agitated you have joined the battle on their terms.

2) Speak very slowly. Again the normal tendency is to gear up and speak rapidly when dealing with a control freak. This will only draw you into the emotional turmoil and you will quickly be personalizing what is occurring.

3) Be very patient. Control freaks need to feel heard. In fact, they do not have that much to say. They have a lot to say if you engage them in a power struggle. If you just listen carefully and ask good questions that indicate that you have heard them, then they will quickly resolve whatever the issue is and calmly move on.

4) Pay attention to your induced reactions. What is this person trying to emotionally induce in you? Notice how you feel when speaking with them. It will give you important clues as to how to deal with them more effectively and appropriately.

5) Initially, let them control the agenda. But you control the pacing. If you stay calm and speak slowly, you will be in command of the pacing of the conversation.

6) Treat them with kindness. Within most control freaks is a good measure of paranoia. They are ready to get angry and defend against what they perceive is a controlling hostile world. If you treat them with respect and kindness, their paranoia cannot take root. You will jam them up.

7) Make demands on them-- especially when dealing with the type 2 control freak. Ask them to send you something or do something for you. By asking something of them, you will be indicating that you are not intimidated or diminished by their behavior patterns.

8) Remember an old but poignant Maxim: “Those who demand the most often give the least.”

Keep in mind that control freaks are not trying to hurt you – they’re trying to protect themselves. Remind yourself that their behavior toward you isn’t personal; the compulsion was there before they met you, and it will be their forever unless they get help. Understand that they are skilled manipulators, artful and intimidating, rehearsed debaters and excellent at distorting reality.

In order to not feel degraded, humiliated and have your sense of self and self worth assaulted, you need to avoid being bulldozed by a controlling lover, boss or friend. When you are caught up in a truly destructive/controlling attachment, the best response may be to walk out. You have to understand that whatever you do will have a limited effect. These people are angry and afraid to let go of you.

Hence, it is your job to let go of them, protect yourself in the process… and grow.

 

Dealing With an Egoistic Individual

How do you deal with people who think they are the best, live in their own world of fantasy? If you try to say anything, they would cut you out with a perfectly logical argument. If you keep quiet, they take you for granted.  Some people just think they know everything right and wrong and there is nothing anyone can teach them.



I had come across one such person. He was not only egoistic, but also an hypocrite. However in his mind, he was doing everything right. He would surround himself with people who praise him, so that he can feed his ego more. Unfortunately, he was a leader in many initiatives and projects. Which means that people have to work with him and there is no way around. 

He would never go and raise any issue with his subordinates or peers in other groups, he would wait for people to come to him and start a dialogue. He would always find a best and logical explanation to a problem or situation without solving it. 

When it comes to dealing with such people, you can give them any suggestions as he would rule it over with a better idea he has.  Even if you do good work, he will try to find something missing and criticise you for that. If you are persistent in something , they get insecure and even angry or wild.  They want to be in complete control of the situation at any point of time. The moment they realise they are  out of control , they would switch off or get angry.

Selfishness: A paramount trait

Being called selfish doesn’t feel like a compliment, but the trait can actually make you a better person, psychology experts say.

“When you take care of yourself first, you show up as a healthy, grounded person in life,” says Bob Rosen. 

Oriented around survival, Rosen says it’s in our nature to take care of our own needs first. The instinct eventually got a bad rap, however, and can become the source of negative emotions like fear and guilt.

As we evolved, we developed higher order needs, [such as] becoming community centered, our theory of human development is based on a model that you’re either selfish or you’re community oriented. The truth is that you need to be both. It’s not an either-or.

Selfish is an ugly word but it can mean two different things. One connotation is that you’re unkind and inconsiderate of others. The other is that you take responsibility for getting your personal, emotional and physical needs met, and that’s an important part of becoming an adult.

The key to healthy selfishness is being self-focused instead of self-involved. Schedule some “me time,” and you might discover these four benefits:

 

1. You’ll Be Healthier

Selfish people tend to take better care of themselves instead of giving too much energy away serving the needs of everyone else, says Rosen. He interviewed several executives for his book and found strong physical health to be a common trait of a good leader.

“Instead of spending all of their time at work, these men and women carve out time for themselves,” he says. “For example, Dennis Nally is global chairman of PwC (formerly PricewaterhouseCoopers), and he travels more than any other person I know. Exercises all the time, and eats well. He knows in order to sustain his travel agenda he has to take the time to take care of himself.”

2. You’ll Have an Advantage When It Comes to Leadership Roles

Studies have shown that acting in your own self-interest you may give you an advantage in leadership roles. 

Selfish people are more confident and less likely to give up on goals. They go after what they want apologetically, and they’re not afraid to ask for the raise or promotion.

Selfish people have a drive to succeed. There is often a higher purpose to be a great leader--taking care of other people. But if you can’t take care of yourself, you can’t care for others. Being selfish is critical.

3. You’ll Have Better Relationships

People will have a harder time manipulating or taking advantage of you if you’re selfish. Setting boundaries means knowing where you end and other person begins. If you have trouble being self-focused, you might have trouble saying no.

To be a healthy, grounded person, you need to be selfish. If you’re looking to a partner to fill your emotional needs, your relationship is vulnerable. The best relationships happen when two adults show up and enjoy each other.

 

4. You’ll Be Happier

Selfish people spend their time doing activities they like to do.

If you have a well-developed sense of who you are, what you enjoy and the ability to communicate this to others, you’ll be a happier person. Putting yourself first is not a negative quality; it’s your job to take care of yourself and get what you need.

Now, I know you shaking your head in disagreement. But in the real sense, we all are selfish but this does not necessarily mean that we cannot be selfless. It all depends on the side you want to choose.

Remember, we don't actually venture into something without subconsciously thinkinjg of our gain, no matter how minimal the reward will be. This may not be in a legal tender value but may be in form of esteem, show-off et al.

Poverty Redefined!

President Goodluck Jonathan, on Thursday, faulted the World Bank report which placed Nigeria among the five poorest countries in the world, saying “the nation is not poor.’’

 Addressing workers at the May Day rally held at the Eagle Square, Abuja, the President said “the challenge of the country is not poverty, but redistribution of wealth.’’

He said that the realities on ground did not portray the country as a poor nation, but a nation which abundant wealth needed to be evenly redistributed.

 The President added that his administration was working assiduously and putting policies in place to ensure that Nigerians had access to financial resources to create wealth for themselves.

“Nigeria is not a poor country. Nigerians are the most travelled people. There is no country you go that you will not see Nigerians. The GDP of Nigeria is over half a trillion dollars and the economy is growing at close to 7 per cent.’’

 “Aliko Dangote was recently classified among the 25 richest people in the World.

 “I visited Kenya recently on a state visit and there was a programme for Nigerian and Kenyan business men to interact and the number of private jets that landed in Nairobi that day was a subject of discussion in Kenyan media for over a week.

 “If you talk about ownership of private jets, Nigeria will be among the first 10 countries, yet they are saying that Nigeria is among the five poorest countries.

 “Some of you will experience that there is an amount of money you will give to a Nigerian who needs help and will not even regard it and thank you but if you travel to other countries and give such an amount, the person will celebrate.

“But the World Bank statistics shows that Nigeria is among the five poorest countries. Our problem is not poverty, our problem is redistribution of wealth"...

Source: Daily Independent Nigeria

If our problem is not poverty and its wealth redistribution, what are the efforts that have been put in place to redistribute the wealth?

Certainly not these policies that we see. These policies that makes a minimum wage N18,000 that is sometimes not even paid and makes a delegate to the national conference go home with N4million a month, on top of it, he's fed and this is in 2014 and we've had this government for six years. So if we say our problem is not poverty, I won't even bother to comment much on this.

Again, if it is wealth redistribution, what has been done on how to redistribute the wealth?

We have people at the national assembly we don't even know how much they earn. That happens to be the most guarded secret. Same with the Public officers.

I remember that time Atiku was saying strongly that they should cut public officers' pay.

My conviction is this, either you bring down all these top wages or you hike up the lower ones. But when you hike up the lower ones, you hike up inflation.

There's need to take a critical look at what our political and office holders earn.

To me poverty and wealth redistribution is still the same. What it both point at is that, some people are further down the poverty line than those "up there".

Put politicians on minimum wage, and see how things will change for this country...

The search

Something very sinister told me that in the next few days, the parents of these missing girls will find it difficult to remember their wards' names. 

You can take time to go through all the news reports and stories; nobody is concrete and factual about anything. Everybody is simply confusing. 

Sadly, the Military already lost it's intelligence and credibility to the whims of politicians. 

I am sure the abductors will be laughing right about now. The whole nation is just bereaved of intelligence and foresight!!!

They are better off than us; Tribute to Nyaya victims

'He is better off; better than us'

In the movies '12 years a Slave', there was a scene where Thomas and Solomon (Chinwetel) were discarding the body of a fellow slave captive, who died trying to defend a mother of two. As his body is thrown into the raging water, Thomas utters above quoted words; in solemn sequence. 

That represents a situation where living is much more unpredictably frustrating than death. We are getting over hope. That represents the situation Nigeria is cascading into. 

A situation where those who died while they were trying to survive injustice and misrule will be better off. And as we discard their bodies we would say to ourselves: "They arr better off; better than us."

Culled from Nurdeen Busari's FB update.

The calling trend in relationships...

There are side chicks and there are side chicks. There are those side chicks who know their positions. And there are those who are oblivious of their positions. The thing is this, no one sets out to be a side chick. I may be wrong though.

And then, there are main chicks. They are those girls who are so sure that they have the man. But if indeed they had the man, then there will be no need for the main chick label because they would simply be THE CHICK. His chick.

Finally, there are the guys. There are those ones who don’t set out to cheat but end up doing so anyway.  And there are those who set out to be playboys. Then, there are those who chase everything in skirts and those who are chased. Then again, there are the knights. The knights in shining armor and there are the good old retards in tin foil.

Thing is, every girl at one point in time hoped, wished or even prayed for her own knight. Who would sweep her off her feet and they will dance in the sunlight and live happily ever after.

However, in real life, happily ever afters are few and far in between. Sometimes, a girl has just got to make do. Sometimes, a girl may decide to filch another’s happily ever after. If any of these three groups of people play their roles effectively, every one of them may then have a shot at being happy or at least pretend to be happy.

As I said before, no one sets out be a side chick or a main chick. Being a main chick presupposes that you are being cheated on and being a side chick means that you are obviously not good enough to be number one. Forget all that BS he is telling you; “the time ain’t right … That she ain’t done anything wrong for him to leave her... That he loves you more than he loves her… That he doesn’t want to break her heart… That he is stuck...” and loads of other excuses that I’m sure you heard more about than I may ever hear or know.  Avant’s lie about us comes to mind, right about now… Truth is, if you actually meant something to him, you would not be his chick on the side, hidden from his world.

Actually, main chicks almost always know when there is a side chick. They know. Usually they just choose to ignore the signs and live in denial. After all, what girl wants to live with the idea that she is not good enough for her man? That, her man is looking elsewhere for his dessert, that she the main dish is just not enough. So, she just lets it slide, makes excuses for her man and just flat out denies the truth. But someone has to take the blame for this… It is just easier hating on the other girl… You know, the one who stole your man. After all, it is easier to believe someone is trying to stick her claws in your man and snatch him away than that your man is blatantly cheating, which may just be the case.  Human as we are, we tend to see things the way we want to see them and not for what they really are. Sometimes, your knight is really no knight.

The side chicks who know they are side chicks are usually not the problem. It is those who don’t know they are side chicks or those who don’t want to accept their status that are dangerous. They call up the main chicks and whole lot of other things. The way i see it, if you are going to be a side chick, you’ve got to act the part and not cross the main girl’s path. (But then again, I don’t know any girl who would be content with second place, I certainly won’t be). Don’t be a side chick catching main chick feelings. That just ain’t cool.

You may try to justify your actions but bottom line is, you can’t get on a moral high horse here. You may be in love with him too, she may not be doing enough to keep her man, but face it! You are keeping her man distracted. And if the tables were turned, you sure won’t like that now, would you? The fact that you love someone does not give you the license to go breaking up someone’s relationship, Sometimes, it is not wrong accepting that, you can’t have everything that you want.

Guys are indeed from mars. They are creatures I never pretend to understand. I know they share the same sentiments about girls… But that is a discussion for another day. Thing is, if you are not happy in your relationship, why don’t you try and fix it or just leave? Why go sneaking around? The fact that you are not sure about yourself does not mean you should go confusing everyone else around you. As weirdly as this may sound, that thing called karma is true (at least, I hope it is).

Sometimes, we are just in love with the idea of being in love, more than love itself, more than ourselves. And sometimes, that is just what spells our doom. At the end of the day it comes down to role play.  But whatever you do, don’t be a main chick catching side chick feelings (pathetic!) or a side chick catching main chick feelings (annoying!).